{"id":482,"date":"2025-12-20T18:27:00","date_gmt":"2025-12-20T18:27:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.fossecommune.com\/?p=482"},"modified":"2026-03-17T18:30:38","modified_gmt":"2026-03-17T18:30:38","slug":"225-raisons-dignorer-coldplay","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.fossecommune.com\/index.php\/2025\/12\/20\/225-raisons-dignorer-coldplay\/","title":{"rendered":"225 RAISONS D\u2019IGNORER COLDPLAY"},"content":{"rendered":"

(mais on s\u2019arr\u00eate \u00e0 10, j\u2019ai pas que \u00e7a \u00e0 foutre)<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cViva La Vida\u201d<\/strong> vient de d\u00e9passer 3 milliards de streams.<\/p>\n

Trois.
\nMilliards.<\/p>\n

Soit trois milliards d\u2019\u00e9coutes potentielles dans :<\/p>\n

\u2013 une salle d\u2019attente de dentiste avec un ficus en fin de vie
\n\u2013 une pharmacie un lundi matin sous n\u00e9ons d\u00e9pressifs
\n\u2013 un magasin de literie en zone commerciale
\n\u2013 un a\u00e9roport \u00e0 6h du matin, \u00e2me absente, caf\u00e9 ti\u00e8de
\n\u2013 une s\u00e9ance de sophrologie obligatoire en entreprise
\n\u2013 un PowerPoint intitul\u00e9 Vision 2030
\n\u2013 un mariage o\u00f9 on se fait chier\u2026<\/p>\n

Et, en plus, Coldplay a annonc\u00e9 225 dates en 2027<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

225 dates\u2026<\/p>\n

Le chiffre qu\u2019un groupe indie atteint en quatre vies, trois fusions, deux burn-out, une s\u00e9paration, et un bassiste qu\u2019on n\u2019a jamais revu apr\u00e8s un concert \u00e0 Charleville.<\/p>\n

Coldplay est riche.
\nC\u00e9l\u00e8bre.<\/p>\n

Mais rien que la photo, on dirait la photo de cl\u00f4ture d\u2019un team building o\u00f9 personne n\u2019a envie d\u2019\u00eatre l\u00e0 mais tout le monde a sign\u00e9 la feuille d\u2019\u00e9margement.<\/p>\n

Donc :<\/strong><\/p>\n

Je me permets d\u2019offrir la liste courte des raisons pour lesquelles on va gentiment les ignorer (ne vous inqui\u00e9tez pas, ils en ont rien \u00e0 cirer vu leur fanbase hyst\u00e9rique)\u2026<\/p>\n

JE N\u2019IRAI JAMAIS VOIR COLDPLAY<\/h3>\n

\u2013 Parce qu\u2019on ne va pas \u00e0 un concert pour se faire distribuer un bracelet LED comme si on allait \u00e0 la Zumba du jeudi.
\nTon poignet clignote, mais ton \u00e2me meurt.<\/p>\n

\u2013 Parce que Yellow<\/strong> a \u00e9t\u00e9 \u00e9crit avec une demi-baguette de son, trois soupirs, et un plugin d\u2019\u00e9motion g\u00e9n\u00e9rique.
\nEt on s\u2019en tape encore.
\nChaque.
\nFois.<\/p>\n

\u2013 Parce que Chris Martin chante faux.
\nPas un peu.
\nPas \u00e0 cause du live.
\nFaux comme un moineau enrhum\u00e9 qui essaie de faire du Bono.<\/p>\n

\u2013 Parce qu\u2019il est flan.
\nFlan d\u2019attaque, flan de sc\u00e8ne, flan de convictions molles.
\nFlan bio, mais flan quand m\u00eame.<\/p>\n

\u2013 Parce que leur musique d\u00e9clenche des pics de glyc\u00e9mie chez les gens normaux.
\nPas besoin de sucre apr\u00e8s : un refrain de Coldplay te donne l\u2019\u00e9quivalent d\u2019un milkshake vanille banane bonheur.<\/p>\n

\u2013 Parce qu\u2019ils arrivent \u00e0 faire rimer hope avec mope avec des flous.
\nEt t\u2019as l\u2019impression d\u2019avoir m\u00e9dit\u00e9 avec un manuel Ikea.<\/p>\n

\u2013 Parce que la basse chez Coldplay est soit absente, soit elle claque comme une serviette de bain humide.
\nUn son mou, plat, ti\u00e8de.
\nUn instrument r\u00e9duit \u00e0 l\u2019\u00e9tat de moquette sonore.<\/p>\n

\u2013 Parce que leurs concerts ressemblent \u00e0 des cultes pa\u00efens sponsoris\u00e9s par Apple et les vegans tristes.
\nAvec 60 000 \u00e2mes perdues qui font woooooooh pour ne pas penser \u00e0 leur banquier ou leur happiness manager.<\/p>\n

\u2013 Parce que m\u00eame moi, pourtant prompt \u00e0 l\u2019enthousiasme, je reste totalement calme pendant Coldplay.
\nJ\u2019ai compris qu\u2019il ne se passera rien.
\nJamais.<\/p>\n

\u2013 Parce que m\u00eame mon colon ne dig\u00e8re pas Coldplay.
\nIl le reconna\u00eet \u00e0 l\u2019oreille : diarrh\u00e9e instrumentale douce, sans texture, sans fibre.<\/p>\n

CONCLUSION<\/h3>\n

Coldplay, c\u2019est l\u2019inverse de Ministry.
\nL\u2019inverse de Fugazi.
\nL\u2019inverse d\u2019IDLES.
\nL\u2019inverse de la vie.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Tu peux leur laisser leurs 225 dates.<\/p>\n

Nous, on a d\u00e9j\u00e0 notre tourn\u00e9e :<\/p>\n

la libert\u00e9,
\nla disto,
\net le prout sec de la caisse claire.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(mais on s\u2019arr\u00eate \u00e0 10, j\u2019ai pas que \u00e7a \u00e0 foutre) \u201cViva La Vida\u201d vient de d\u00e9passer 3 milliards de streams. Trois. Milliards. Soit trois milliards d\u2019\u00e9coutes potentielles dans : \u2013 une salle d\u2019attente de dentiste avec un ficus en fin de vie \u2013 une pharmacie un lundi matin sous n\u00e9ons d\u00e9pressifs \u2013 un magasin […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":483,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[28],"tags":[70,64],"class_list":["post-482","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fosse-missile","tag-missile","tag-tournee"],"yoast_head":"\n225 RAISONS D\u2019IGNORER COLDPLAY - Fosse Commune<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.fossecommune.com\/index.php\/2025\/12\/20\/225-raisons-dignorer-coldplay\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"fr_FR\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"225 RAISONS D\u2019IGNORER COLDPLAY - Fosse Commune\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"(mais on s\u2019arr\u00eate \u00e0 10, j\u2019ai pas que \u00e7a \u00e0 foutre) \u201cViva La Vida\u201d vient de d\u00e9passer 3 milliards de streams. 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